May 30th, 2010 by 
French feminist Elisabeth Badinter, whose new book suggests women are in danger of becoming slaves to their babies by adhering to the modern earthy methods of Motherhood, is both brave and refreshing.
Badinter’s concern is for those who labour over wholesome home-made/organic baby food rather than jars, those who eschew throwaway nappies in favour of re-useable ones and those who quit working (and smoking) for the sole purpose of rearing their young, which is currently en vogue.
She questions how we’re addressing the Woman Vs Motherhood balance and its effect on our wellbeing, hence the title: Conflit, la Femme et la Mere (Conflict, the Woman and the Mother); if my French wasn’t très rusty I’d order a copy right NOW.
It’s taken me four years to emerge from the fug of new motherhood and Badinter’s prompted me to question my own decisions.
Thankfully I’m a non-smoker but I would hope I would have stopped during pregnancy if I were. That said I have a dear friend who was advised by her medics that it was better for her to have the odd ciggy during pregnancy than suffer the anxiety she was feeling at the time. I agree.
No one bullied me into breastfeeding, I always knew I wanted to do it and I am grateful it worked for me. My mum assured me that the Cow & Gate diet, all the rage in the ‘60s, was “good enough for you” but really she had no other option.
Rather than being supportive Mothers can be the worst perpetrators of guilt trips, as I found out. Several friends bleated on about the positives of breastfeeding and the need to persevere (when I gave up after 10 months), forgetting they were preaching to the converted but my first born was clearly hungry and breastfeeding was making us both stressed; formula won in the end. I have a strong mind but I felt the need to justify my decision to stop, which still annoys me.
I gave up after six months the second time around, because there are only so many times you can endure a nip on the nipple from a nipper with gnashers. He was also given ‘posh’ jars over home-cooking and lapped them up. Mother and baby did just fine.
I’m borderline teetotal but if anything I took up drinking during pregnancy. I craved red wine with my first boy and white with my second. I went off it as soon as they were born but indulged in one glass a night for six months of each pregnancy. It felt good in a way that it hasn’t since. At no time did I feel like I was harming my baby and I trusted my instincts and my good sense.
Many of my choices are probably a result of my history – whereas my mother had to return to work after 6 weeks, I was made redundant and had nothing to go back to. Had I had the choice I would have returned to a 3-day week but that’s not so easy in a recession.
No Motherhood Manual could prepare me, however, for the internal battle I currently have as my eldest prepares for Big School in September.
It hit me like a brick that it took 38 years to have children and that I (still) don’t want to waste one minute I have with them; this conflicts entirely with the career-focused me who loves the challenge of work and the benefits it bestows, from accessible cash to healthcare, pensions and general freedom.
I don’t feel I am a slave to my children for opting to do much of what Badinter refutes but I do feel a slave to the system in that I cannot afford the childcare to afford the freedom to look for the right job during the daylight hours while my brain is awake, let alone feel sexy as well.
The one thing I try not to do is judge anyone who does it differently to me, due to circumstance or simple choice. However, I come down hard on those whose choices put their children’s health and happiness at risk.
As for being in full time childcare from birth, let me tell you, it’s my mum rather than me that feels the guilt about the whole thing… while I have an independent streak she has spent her life making up for those lost years.
In my opinion choice is one of the most valuable commodities known to womankind. Find a way to reclaim that and you do not need to be a slave to anything or anyone.
