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Bullying: Does it Stop at the School Gates?

Most people I know would say they were totally against bullying whether it be in schools, in the work place or out and about. Yet of late, I’ve started to notice a big divide between what people say they believe about bullying and what people do about it.

The first instance happened at my daughter’s school where a mother of a girl accused of bullying (and fairly justly accused if you look at the evidence) announced to the playground that if her daughter pulled someone else’s hair or called them horrible names she wasn’t bullying but just having a laugh.

The second instance happened at a birthday party where I heard an eight-year tearfully tell her mother she was being excluded by X. It was a situation made worse by X’s mother’s response that her daughter liked to be ‘in charge’ so it was lucky she was so popular.

These two instances are not just cases of parents sticking up for their offspring, but examples of adults who seem to think bullying is something else entirely.

So it doesn’t really surprise me that new figures show there has been an increase of bullying at work in the UK with one in 10 employees experiencing harassment, and one-third of workers saying they were bullied in the past six months.

I recently did a talk to a group of parents about teen bullying and was amazed at not only what many of them thought about bullying but also at what so many of them put up with in their own work lives.

It made me think that if we want bullying to be stamped out it’s not only kids that we have to educate. We have also start a wider discussion with parents, employers and employees about what bullying consists of, and why we should stand up to it.

If you think that would be pretty obvious take a look at the list below. It’s my responses to the Q&A at the end of the session:

1. Bullying is not a rite of passage that all kids have to go through.
2. Bullying doesn’t make a person stronger
3. Victims don’t need to ‘learn how to take a joke’
4. Bullies aren’t always cowards that can be scared off
5. It is possible to do something about bullying
6. Bullying isn’t just a kid phase
7. You can prove workplace bullying
8. Cyber-bullying is ‘real’ bullying

For help and guidance about bullying go to Directgov

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Is Grey Hair Sexy?

Getting your first silver grey hair is a defining moment. I spied mine a few days after I hit 40. Perhaps it was coincidence, or the fact I was just looking a bit harder for signs of ageing but soon after that they seemed to appear at a daily rate.

Having very dark hair I decided that being streaked with silver streaks made me look bonkers and crazy rather than chic and sophisticated so I choose to colour my hair. Personally, even though I have to do it every 6 weeks I feel it’s worth every penny but that doesn’t mean I hate my grey bits or hate seeing grey hair on others.

On some of my friends grey hair looks amazing and even fashionably edgy so it does irritate me when I hear women freaking out about going grey and commenting on those who dare to go the whole hog.

Jennifer Aniston being one such person who apparently ‘flipped out and cried’ when she found her first grey hair and poor old Nicole Kidman who got media slammed when she dared to hit the red carpet with her grey roots on show a few years back.

Which is why I am loving Jennifer Lopez who has not only dared to appear with her 3 inch roots on show but who has just readily admitted that she has had to have her hair dyed every two weeks as she began going grey at age 23.

“My mom and my dad both went grey at a young age and I did too. And once I got started doing movies I started to grey. It was the stress, the pressure.”

All of which means if you want to go about your business with long roots do it with pride. If you want to dye it and pluck the odd grey hair with tweezers (Demi Moore’s rumoured guilty secret) go for it. And if you decide to become a silver foxtress then rest assured you’re in very good female company.

Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, model Kristen McMenamy, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dame Judi Dench, Sarah Jessica Parker, Pamela Anderson, Jennifer Lopez – the list of grey haired beauties is thankfully endless.

So what do you think? Does grey equal sexy or ageing? Let me know on Twitter

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Black & White – Is Fashion Still Racist?

Late last month, as all eyes were on the last AW11 fashion weeks, the world was shocked by allegations of John Galliano, Creative Director for Dior, hurling ant-semitic abuse at a couple in La Perle, Paris. Galliano was arrested, and Dior subsequently suspended him. At time of writing, Galliano is protesting his innocence, but there’s a video now surfacing of further allegations, all based around similar anti-semitic abuse. It was truly shocking, and made me consider the fashion world’s general outlook at other races/cultures, and if it is truly as all-inclusive as it should be.

My gut reaction is that while fashion isn’t overly racist or flamboyantly prejudiced, it is still an industry with predominantly caucasian ideals of beauty. While you can say that there are many ethnically diverse designers all contributing to multiculturalism within fashion, the ‘face’ of the industry, as it were, is the model, and she is still nearly always white. Galliano’s comments were directed at a religion rather than a skin colour, but it hints at a darker side of the industry, which can still be extremely prejudiced.

‘Right now everyone is scared – they think, if I take that risk, will she sell my products? So they go with the tried-and-tested white girls’ says Carole White, Premier Model’s founder, whom Channel 4 have been following round for their new fly-on-the-wall series, The Model Agency. Naomi Campbell herself agrees; she commented on the all-black edition of Vogue Italia; “That issue made some noise, but, unfortunately, we are the same as before. People, in the panic of the recession, don’t dare to put a girl of color in their campaign, full stop. Nor of any other race. It’s a shame. It’s very sad.” Annie Wilshaw, a model booker, goes further, addressing the stereotypes that can occur when black girls are cast: “When the client sends you a brief you know straight away they’re not talking about a black girl. They say they want ‘a girl with long hair, who looks like a fairy’ or something. When they want a black girl, they will say ‘looking for mixed-race girl, tribal-prints location, desert scene’” And I tend to agree.

It’s not that black or mixed race girls are never seen in fashion, but when they are, it has the feeling of making a statement, like the edgy, dark, rocky vibe in Burberry’s new S/S campaign featuring only Jourdan Dunn and a black male model. Editorials tend to be the ’strong, ethnic woman’, facing some form of vague unquantifiable diversity in the distance, whether in a desert or a jungle or looking tough on a street. However, on the other side of the argument, when black models are cast as ‘just another model’ in a group shot, and their skin colour is not the focus or theme of the image, there are gasps that they are being shoved in the background. The blog Fashion Bomb Daily comments on Chanel Iman’s recent appearance in a Dsquared2 ad: ‘I really had to squint my eyes to find her. She was almost unrecognizable, stuck in the back, and looked super pasty and almost colorless…why use a model of colour if you can’t tell she has any?”

There is a sense that there are too many extremes going on. Either featuring ethnic models to make a point (artistic or otherwise), or shoving them in the background, lightening their skin colour, or just not casting them at all. There was uproar over Vanity Fair – and later L’oreal – apparently lightening Beyoncé’s skin tone on the cover and in the ads respectively. Is this because society itself still seems to accept that to be beautiful is not black? Or at least, not very dark? We don’t live in a perfect society; there unfortunately is, and probably always will be, some forms of racism; Galliano is a prime example that people still hold prejudices which most of us cannot fathom. Is it that fashion is an age behind the rest of society; or does it just hold up a mirror and reflect a more concentrated form of that society?

So what about Naomi Campbell, then? Tyra Banks? Jourdan Dunn? Well, yes. But these are supermodels, exceptions in that they’ve made it to the top of their game. We forget that there are hundreds, thousands of ‘ordinary’ black, mixed race models vying for campaigns, with brands that are frightened to take ‘risks.’ There is a Facebook campaign called Black But Invisible where the Mahogany Models agency is campaigning to get more black models in the mainstream. Annie Wilshaw spoke to the Guardian recently on Leomie Anderson, an up and coming black model. “I explained to Leomie when we took her on that she won’t get the options as easily as the white girls, because it’s true, it’s so much harder to develop the black girls. She has to work twice as hard to get picked up on.”

But how can this change, if the industry itself does nothing to change these perceptions? I don’t have that answer. But I’ll leave you with a quote from Nick Knight, founder and director of ShowStudio, and I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

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Cruisin’ along

How boats full of wealthy husband hunters and children pretending to be steam trains can mix on holiday

A cruise. What do those two words conjure up when you read them? Wealthy widows looking for their next husband to fund their Dior habit? Couples in luxury dinner jackets sliding into luxury seats for a luxury on board dining experience? Slightly off-colour comedians relying on their audience being well-oiled enough to laugh at their jokes? Little boys, one still in nappies and the other prone to running around at high speeds pretending to be Thomas the Tank Engine at full pelt?

Er? What was that last one?

Little boys, yes. I know. But our family is proof that young children and cruise ships can mix rather well. After lengthy discussions about what kind of holiday to take, we successfully, if slightly nervously negotiated our very first cruise to Norway last summer, with both sons in tow – one aged three years, the other one-and-a-half. Having ruled out a recession-busting British stay-cation (we’d done that four years in a row and wanted a change) and the short haul flight to Europe (ever sat behind a baby whose ears are popping on an aeroplane? Exactly.); we chose an option that allowed us to start enjoying our holiday right from Southampton dock in a massive floating playground for, as it turned out, all ages. No long, cramped car journeys for us – we were doing it in style for once.

No car journeys also meant no car, ie no boot to stow the tonnes of paraphernalia that two small people require whenever they venture more than 100 metres from their front door. This was admittedly a nuisance as we manhandled nappies, clothes, bottles, pushchairs and the two-foot tall cuddly Mr Bump toy that Son Number One insisted on (me) carrying everywhere.

But once aboard and in our cabin, everything suddenly became easy. Travel cots had been set up, Mr Bump found a home on the easy chair and the bowl of welcome chocolates went down very well with Son Number Two. They tasted very nice. Apparently. On exploring the ship, we found family entertainment galore, including welcome parties and (oh bliss beyond compare) a daytime kids’ club and evening crèche service that watched over your sleeping child until ten pm. Ideal for the odd hour while we were at sea and Son Number One had enjoyed a swim, eaten his lunch and was now bored of the view of yet more sea.

Our sons couldn’t have been happier in the care of the kids’ club and crèche and my husband and I enjoyed reclaiming some precious adult time at the spa, restaurants, on deck and (yes alright I admit it) watching a slightly off-colour comedian. He wasn’t bad actually, even though we were sober. Even the husband hunters were tolerant of our little livewires, providing they weren’t too noisy, and the food was great too – plenty of choice for us all.

Oops – I have almost forgotten to mention our destination. That makes me nearly as bad as the lady who remarked, as we attended a slideshow about Norway on our journey back home: “I’d have just stayed on the boat if I’d known they were going to show us these slides.” So many single rich men, so little time…

Norway was beautiful. Stunning. Worthy of every superlative I can think of. And once again, surprisingly perfect for little ones. Temperatures similar to springtime in England meant a more relaxed attitude to suncream. Fascinating folklore and traditions (we liked the Vikings especially). And as both boys are transport mad, the beautiful fjords provided an endless supply of sailing vessels. For our eldest, who disappointedly asked us “where the big boat was” while he stood on deck, vainly looking for the massive ship we had promised him, these Nordic boats came as a very welcome surprise.

So a big thumbs up from all of us for the cruise. Sadly, funds don’t stretch to making this an annual affair, but it has taught us several important lessons about our future holidays. Make the journey as easy and entertaining as possible. Pick a child-friendly destination, but don’t be afraid to choose somewhere out of the ordinary.

Oh, and make sure your child is weaned off his favourite two-foot high cuddly toy before leaving home. We think Mr Bump enjoyed Norway. More than we enjoyed carting him on and off the ship in any case. But seeing our sons’ smiles match his, it was all well worth the effort.

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Is the Future Pink?

When my four year old daughter was a baby, I dressed her in every colour under the sun and of course, because she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t complain.

Now that she’s four she’s a lot more vocal about what she wears and most of the time she wants something to be pink or princess related and if the two combine…well, that’s just four year old heaven.

Translated it means she loves pink over and above every other colour so much so that over time she has demanded that her plate, cutlery, lamps, socks and knickers etc. all become pink. It’s an obsession that’s fuelled by shops, which sell 95% of their girl stuff in pink and thereby convince her, that this is the only colour she should have in her life.

It’s irritating but it only annoyed me in a small way until I went to buy her a pair of trainers last week. Want a pair that’s not pink and doesn’t come with flowers, ribbons, bells and sequins? Well, tough because they evidently only manufacture girly princess trainers, made presumably for girls to tip toe about on, and not to kick a ball with.

Looking closer at what’s actually being sold to girls I also spotted a pink globe, pink board games, pink footballs and numerous books about pink princesses, pink princess dogs and even a pink princess horse!

And this pink princess message is one that seems to be arising just in time for the Royal Wedding with one American company launching Princess Prep – a luxury sleep-away princess camp for girls aged 8 – 11 based in London. In other words, a camp where your little princess can actually be a princess for a whole week.

Worse still the founder says so many mothers are saying they that they wish they could attend Princess Prep too that she’s considering setting up a similar programme for adult women!

With celebrities like Rihanna and Cheryl Cole also going down the pink-is-me path and others like Jordan dressing like a Disney Princess all the time, she may be right in thinking there is indeed an untapped market for grown women to be all things pink.

Should I dust off my tiara and prepare for my favourite stores to start selling floor to ceiling pink to me? I hope not.

Let me know your thoughts.

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The Ongoing Emancipation

It’s hard to get your head round how different it is to be a woman living in the 2010s to being one living in the 1910s. Next month, however, we will have good grounds to reflect on how far we have come since it is the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day. Loads of events from a celebration of women entrepreneurs to a free exhibition about flexible working are planned all around the world.

In just 100 years, women in the UK have won the right to vote, they have shown their mettle in times of war by taking on “men’s jobs” and doing them well, they have become more sexually liberated as advancements like the advent of the pill have unshackled them from the constant fear of pregnancy (and 100 years ago early death) and they have begun to rise up the political and jobs ladder.

In the last 20 years, that progress, particularly in the workplace, is beginning to transform the way we work.

Women who had children 20 years ago will barely recognise today’s workplace where women now have the right to request flexible working and where technology enables most people to work flexibly around their various other commitments. Changing social attitudes, combined with technological breakthroughs, mean that dads are wanting to and able to take a more hands-on approach to childcare.

For every tiny step of progress, however, there is a huge undertow trying to pull things back to how they were. LSE researcher Catherine Hakim, for instance, recently argued that women have different career aspirations than men and therefore attempts to level the gender pay gap and talk about discrimination in the workplace are misguided. Women are just not that interested in work. Indeed, she says, they carefully plot to “marry up” to someone richer than them precisely so they can just do a part-time or no job and look after the kids. This suggests that the 1950s housewife model was the nirvana for women and kind of runs against reports from women who lived through that time that they spent much of their time bored and horribly depressed. Hakim’s views have, of course, been widely reported because they are controversial with much discussion about whether women end up married to better off men precisely because of the gender pay gap.

Even so, the trend is for more and more women to become the main breadwinner in their family. A recent survey by Aviva said one in six women are now the main breadwinner in their family, meaning it makes economic sense for them to keep working after having children and for the man to go part time to look after the children. Meanwhile, research still suggests many organisations have a long way to go to overcome myths about working mums. A poll by Regus found the number of companies planning to hire working mums has fallen from 38% to 26% in just a year, fuelled by prejudices such as the idea that working mums are less committed than their counterparts.

In the private sphere, the last 20 years have seen the resurgence of nature in the nature/nurture debate. Huge progress in the field of genetics has led to the return with a vengeance of simplistic sexual stereotypes which we embrace with a vengeance because of their familiarity. Girls, then, love pink, shopping and gossip and dressing up because it is in their DNA to do so. Boys hate reading, love the outdoors and like hitting each other. There is no in between despite the fact that, more or less, that is precisely where most of us reside.

This simplistic acceptance of genetics as the be all and end all of sexual politics will change too, though, as we develop a more grown-up attitude to the research and come to grips with how little we understand the human body and therefore the combined influence of nature and nurture.

The next 100 years will see new changes for women despite short-term concerns about a female jobs recession. The majority of graduates will be women and more women will be represented in senior management because of shifting demographics. This will in turn make women more powerful in every sphere. Already it is calculated that women make up to 80% of consumer decisions. If they are earning more than their partners, their power as consumers can only increase.

However, we cannot rely on the onward march of progress on its own. Progress does not happen passively as can be seen by what is happening all around the world. Witness the recent case of a 14-year-old girl who was whipped to death in Bangladesh on the orders of a cleric for allegedly having an illicit relationship with a married cousin. Women are buffeted by huge political processes which are in turn reactions to historical events, such as colonialism and globalisation. Historical progress is not a given.

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China Whispers: The Foolhardy Diary Along the Great Wall of China- Last Episode

We woke with a sense of sadness on our last full day in China.

We had bonded very strongly as a group, and had seen and done some extraordinary things. We knew that, charity fundraising aside, we would take away somevery precious memories of the week ourselves.

We took the coach to the starting point for our final morning’s walk. Only 40 minutes’ drive from Beijing, this was where most Chinese people came to see the Wall. It was jam-packed with people and we all longed for the tranquillity and solitude of our previous days. Setting off on our final walk, we saw hundreds of padlocks attached to a loop of chain on the Wall. Apparently it is a romantic custom for newly-married Chinese couples to come and lock a padlock, throwing the key away as far as possible for an unbreakable marriage.

Walking was made harder by the presence of everyone else in this tourist trap; jostling and shouting as each claimed their square inches of Wall. Although the atmosphere remained friendly, a few characters stood out as irritations. One man walked very close behind me, mobile phone in one handand gloopy corn on the cob in the other, oozing juices that ran down the backs of my legs. Nice.

But no amount of gloop was able to detract from our pride in ourselves. We had come a long way, pushing ourselves much harder than we had thought possible when we stood in that nervous semi-circle in Heathrow airport days before.
We completed the morning’s walk in surprisingly little time – due mainly to us needing to run away from a very large snake halfway through. We clapped and cheered each person as they crossed the final step. For the first time,our two fittest blokes, who had vied with each other the whole way to be first in line, hung back until the end. I think they wanted to make the experience last that little bit longer. We were all really pleased to have completed the challenge with everyone in the group intact.

Trekking finally over, we returned to Beijing for a welcome afternoon spent receiving a superb foot massage, eating crispy duck and pigs trotters (yep, they taste exactly as you’d imagine) and relaxing in our hotel, once again having a laugh at Chinese Who Wants to be a Millionaire on TV.

Touching down on English soil several hours later, we hugged each other and, promised fervently to stay in touch.

As people drifted off home, a taxi took me safely back to the bosom of my family. I had maybe managed to lose a few pounds in weight. My loved ones would hopefully enjoy the souvenirs I had brought home for them. My charity would certainly be £4,000 better off (so long as my sponsors paid up…).

But the largest advantage to comeout of it all for me was a deep impression that, not only did the world have far more hidden depths than I had previously realised; actually so did I.

And that realisation will stay with me for ever.

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